All my friends and I are fat. It’s what we’ve decided as a collective group. My friendship group expands into several continents, but no matter where I go it’s like women as a whole have decided that we’re all just one big blob of grease walking around and inconveniencing both ourselves and society by being too fat.
I have beautiful friends of all heights and weights – in fact, I would have to say that no two of my friends look alike. So why is it that we are all so intent on seeing ourselves as too fat?
I think that it’s because over the courses of our lives that’s what we have been told, and we have been told that we’re fat so many times that we’ve come to believe it.
For as long as I can remember, since I was a 5 year old going to ballet and I noticed that the other mini ballerinas in my class had flat bellies, I’ve been too fat.
Since I stood by as my lovely mom asked my pediatrician why the other girls in my class were all thinner than I, I’ve been too fat.
Since my best friend in 8th grade and I decided to stop eating for a while, I’ve been too fat.
When I meet a gorgeous man, like the one I’m lucky to know now, there’s such a big part of me that feels sorry for this beautiful creature for being with me. Why? Because I see myself as being too fat – no matter how many miles I run and how many hours I spend a week using my ClassPass membership. And because I feel I am too fat, I waste countless hours wondering when he’s finally going to realize that I’m too fat and dump me.
This fear is even more real for me because when I was 18 and got broken up with for the first time it was because I was too fat- his words, not mine. You see, a lot of men play into this as much as women. Three years after my “too fat” breakup I fell into a relationship where towards the end, when I was desperate to get out, he told me something like, “No one’s ever going to love you like you are now, you were much skinnier when we met.”
Maybe my case is a bit extreme, but as I’ve explained to as many men as will listen, the hard part about being a woman is that we’re constantly battling ourselves. We have such a difficult time seeing ourselves as being good enough and the space that we take up makes us uncomfortable. Being physically large is problematic as a woman because society has taught us that we’re so very small.
Society has taught us that women don’t deserve to be paid as much as men, that our ideas aren’t as important and that we’re much better as the silent supporters of a man – because he is important, and allowed to take as much physical space as he wants, very unlike us.
I think for this as many other reasons we see ourselves as too fat, and the sad thing is that no matter how much I try to rationalize this, and convince myself how ridiculous it is to think this way, I still feel as if I’d be much better off weighing 15 pounds less.
Image Source: Instagram/Paulina_xoxo